So, you’ve got some daunting task that demands your attention (work stuff, an essay, cleaning house, whatever). Usually, when I have something tremendously important to do, the first thing I like to do is procrastinate. Then after that, I procrastinate a little more. Some people of this world are blessed with an unbelievable ability to self-entertain, often spurning hours upon hours of idle dawdling that produces not a single productive fruit. I am one of the lucky ones. Even if you were not born privileged in procrastination, you too can prolong your obligations and waste an evening. How, you ask? It goes a little something like this…
First, head to YouTube. In the search bar, you want to type in the first thing that pops into your head. Cats, Britney Spears, North Korea. It doesn’t really matter what start with because you’ll eventually get so tangled up in the highway of online streaming you’ll wind up watching Chris Farley rip off his pants on SNL.
Forgotten the first thing you searched on YouTube? If no, continue browsing. If yes, it’s time to move onto cleaning. Feel free to just fluff a few pillows or spray some Febreeze over the dirty clothes heap on the floor. If you’re an overachiever, though, feel free to take this opportunity to go color code your closet or reorganize every drawer in the kitchen. How are you supposed to get anything done knowing your four-tiered bookshelf isn’t alphabetized? Exactly.
Whew! That was a lot of cleaning. You’re probably getting a little hungry. Now is the perfect time to try out that recipe you found on Pinterest this morning or (if you’re a guy) to roast some kind of slow-cooking meat that takes all night. Since one cannot simply plan to procrastinate, you probably don’t have any of the ingredients either. Wally World! Just go ahead and compile an enormous list of everything you could ever need to grab while you’re already out.
How was that snack? Delicious? Good. Unfortunately though, now you’re feeling a little bloated. Maybe Oreos baked into chocolate chip cookies weren’t such a good idea. There’s only one solution: time to get your gym on. Make sure you take an eternity selecting gym clothes because you never know who you might meet there. Man, I wish I had made some kind of rev-up playlist for my iPod, you’re thinking to yourself. Great idea! Go ahead and kill some time browsing iTunes for the perfect song to push you through that once-a-month gym session. Side note: make sure you tell everyone on Facebook you’re going to the gym, or it doesn’t count.
By now it should be pretty late. You’re just about to sit down at your computer when your favorite sitcom pops on TV! And what do you know, it’s one you’ve never seen before and/or you’re favorite! Relax, you’ll start being productive after this one episode. Oh, it’s a marathon? Okay, after this marathon.
You happen to glance at the clock, and it’s already 10 p.m. You know, Mom’s been heckling you lately about getting more sleep. Mother knows best, right? Surely whatever it was you had to do tonight can just wait until morning.
And voila! You’ve now managed to waste an entire evening without getting a single thing done. While you may feel panicked, you probably had a stellar night. Don’t worry, you can thank me tomorrow.