Antiresolutions

antiresolutions

Each year on December 31st we reflect on all the things we’d like to improve for the upcoming year. If, as Newton proposed, there is an equal and opposite reaction for every action, then it only makes sense that for each resolution there exists an antiresolution.

“What’s an antiresolution?”

If resolutions are what we’d like to do, then antiresolutions are, quite simply, what we don’t wish to do. Here’s an example to help you get the feel of things.

Resolution: In 2013, I’d like to lose weight.

Antiresolution: In 2013, I’d like to not be anorexic.

“Oh, I get it now! Well, what are your antiresolutions for 2013, Laura?”

How sweet of you to ask! For 2013 I have five antiresolutions, but I don’t want to bore you with small talk. Oh, you insist? Are you sure? Great! Well…

1. After eating an entire box of brownie batter by myself, I will not complain about being a lard polyp. Brownie belly and I will make peace.

2. Despite the obvious convenience, I will not get my eyebrows waxed at the cheap nail salon on 12th and Main. One janky eyebrow leaves a lasting impression.

3. In accordance with annual tradition, I will decide to knit 40% of my Christmas gifts, but I will not wait until Decembers 24th to cast on the first stitches.

4. I will not succumb to Target’s 5 for 20 pantie trap. Every. Single. Time.

5. I will not scream, shout, nor wave my arms frantically to my friends on campus until I am 100% sure it is actually my friend and not some backside twin with a pedophile mustache.

There you have it, my official 2013 antiresolutions list. So I guess the real question is, what are yours?

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