12 Things No One Tells You About Owning a Cat

Last week, I celebrated my first anniversary as a co-cat owner. Hooray! As I reflect upon my year with Oliver, I am reminded of a time when I knew absolutely nothing about cats. I mean, zilch. I’ve learned in our 53 weeks together, and here are a few highlights for your enlightenment and education.

1. Cats are not dogs.

Drop some food? Don’t worry. Your cat will bat it into some impossible-to-reach place, where it will inevitably rot into a liquid pile of fermented gross.

2. Underwear = Hammock 

Last week my cat tried to nap in my underpants while I was getting dressed for work. True story.

3. Spray bottles are everything. 

God forbid a single drop of water land near your cat, and you’ve got an impromptu exorcism on your hands.

4. Cats LOVE parkour. 

Nothing says “Good morning, my gracious and loving owner” like a parkour stunt over the breakfast table.

 

5. Boxes.

This pretty much sums it up.

6. Faces are for sleeping.

Thanks for the outrageously expensive designer cat bed, Dad. Too bad it’s not your face.

7. Walks are no.

You’ve got a better shot at finding the lost city of Atlantis than walking your cat to the front door.

8. Cats have no shame. 

Me: Oliver, do not scratch my new Bassett Hound sofa. Oliver. OLIVER. Do you hear me?

Oliver: Stares right into my eyes and drags his Edward Scissorclaws across my precious white linen furniture.

9. Purrs.

Eleven years ago, Hilary Duff asked us what dreams are made of. I think we know now.

10. Cats are all the laughs.

Both Internet and real.

 

11. Head butts mean “I love you”.

Apparently the clashing of skulls is a foreign feline sign of affection. Try to be tolerant of this painful ritual like a cultured human being.

12. It only takes one.

Cats. Clawing into hearts across the world since since 7486 BCE.

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