Finals? Hahahahaha! Please. I’ve still got an entire week left. Do you have any idea what I can accomplish in that short amount of time? Seriously, there’s nothing to worry about. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna’ go paint my nails like little zebras.
Okay, it’s not like I’m mad about finals or anything, but seriously? A comprehensive test? How unfair is that?! And it’s worth, like, 96 percent of my grade. I’m too mad to study. School is so stupid. No, everything is stupid. LET’S START A REVOLUTION!
I’m just gonna’ go over to Tiffany’s for a quick study session. I always do my best work in groups. Oh, and Jennifer, Michael and Josh will be there too, but we’re definitely gonna’ get stuff done. Definitely…
Okayokayokay. Two hours left until the test. I have four Redbulls in the fridge, and I. can. do. this. No need to panic. No need to panic. NO NEED TO PANIC.
You know what? I don’t even care. 200 question multiple choice? Come at me, bro.
Student down, STUDENT DOWN! The road to post-final recovery may be long and troublesome, but that’s why God invented Netflix and Nutella.
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Every so often, when I’m looking to unwind, I throw on my Frank Sinatra Pandora station and let the smooth kings of croon carry me away. But then, the other day, a truly captivating song struck my fancy. It was “A Kiss to Build a Dream On” by Louis Armstrong. As I listened carefully to the words, it got me thinking about a few things, namely romance. But first, have a listen for yourself.
Now, let’s slow it down and look at those lyrics.
Give me a kiss to build a dream on,
And my imagination will thrive upon that kiss,
Sweetheart, I ask no more than this,
A kiss to build a dream on.
Give me a kiss before you leave me,
And my imagination will feed my hungry heart,
Leave me one thing before we part,
A kiss to build a dream on.
Have you ever heard anything so charming in your life? If you’re a twenty-something like me, probably not. It’s not exactly news that modern music doesn’t carry the same love-struck chord that it did in the fifties, but just how far have we strayed? For comparison sake, let’s take Britney Spear’s newest hit, “Werk B****.”
You wanna hot body,
You want a Bugatti,
You want a Maseratti,
You better work b****.
You want a Lamborghini,
Look hot in a bikini,
You better work b****.
Maybe I don’t actually want a Maseratti. Maybe what I really want is old-school, heart-felt romance. Maybe I want Louis Armstrong. Long gone are the days when love was enough to pay the bills, and now it’s all about “jet planes, islands, and tigers on a gold leash,” or so says Lorde. Of course, marvelous love songs still exist today, but they’re seldom chart-toppers. They say that pop culture is a mirror to society, and if that’s the case, then doesn’t this deficiency of affection in mainstream music say something about us as a whole?
Of course, no romance is better than hollow romance. What I’m talking about is an outpouring of affection rooted entirely in genuine fondness and respect for another person. But if we did actually receive that grounded, all-in romance, would we even know what to do with it? It all reminds me of an episode of Sex and the City, where Carrie begins to feel smothered by all the grand romantic gestures of her new boyfriend. I think she sums it up best:
“We accept Tasti D-lite instead of real ice cream, emails instead of love songs, jokes instead of poetry. It’s no wonder that when faced with the real thing we can’t stomach it. Is it something we could learn to digest or have we become romance-intolerant?”
A recent article by the Huffington Post suggests that the root of unhappiness plaguing Generation Y stems from a long history of unrealistic expectations. While that’s probably true, is it possible that just this once, in regard to romance, that’s not the case? Could the problem actually be that reality is quite simply coming up short? Or, as the article suggests, are we twenty-somethings stuck in a world of Ryan Gosling, romcom-fueled unrealistic expectations?
We all know movie titles can be deceiving. Just look at Twilight. Does Bella meet Edward at twilight? Do they allude the evil Victoria at twilight? Does anything happen at twilight? No. So I got to thinking: wouldn’t it be easier if movie titles just laid it all out there? Just like Jenna Marbles made up better names for animals, I took the liberty of renaming 18 of your favorite movies. You’re welcome, and enjoy.
1. The Chronicles of Shovel Face and Vanilla
2. Ignorance is Bliss
3. RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE
4.. False Expectations
5. Eagles: A Story of a Deus Ex Machina
6. Animal Hoarders
7. How to Lose a Girl in 500 Days
8. Anne Hathaway’s Boobs
9. The Boring Version of Lion King
10. Poor Decisions: The Musical
11. Letting Go
12. Grails Gone Wild
13. Size Matters
14. Slutty Cinderella
15. Undercover Lovers: A Romance Pretending to be About War
16. The How-To Spinster Guide
17. You’re a Deplorable, Soul-Crushing Monster
Oh, you’re feeling brutally honest today too? Then by all means, add your best renamed flicks to the list using the comments below. Who knows? You may be featured in the still-hypothetical Better Names for Movies Part II…
1. Ariel’s underwater motions are based on space travel.
To capture realistic gravity-free motion in underwater scenes, Disney animators based their sketches off of American astronaut Sally Ride’s motions in space.
2. Before there was Sebastian, there was Clarence.
The character Sebastian began as an English butler named Clarence, but the character was revised after lyricist Howard Ashman suggested a reggae feel for the score.
3. Ursala was drawn for the voice of Golden Girl‘s Bea Arthur.
The villain was drawn specifically for the voice of Bea Arthur, who eventually declined the part. Pat Caroll filled the role, although the character was left unaltered.
4. Ariel’s body was modeled after Alyssa Milano’s.
Animators looked to Alyssa Milano in Who’s the Boss? as a model of the youthful beauty they wanted Ariel to embody.
5. The artists hired live-action actors to illustrate character motions.
Live-actions models were a staple of classic Disney films like Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty but were less frequently used in later years. Disney hired Sherri Lynn Stoner from the Los Angeles Groundlings comedy improvisation group to exaggerate Ariel’s facial and body movements.
6. Over one million bubbles were drawn for the film.
Since The Little Mermaid was the last Disney film to use hand-painted cells, each new scene had to be created from scratch. Although stationary backgrounds were often reused, moving objects such as bubbles had to be redrawn with each new animation cell.
7. The soundtrack has been certified six-time platinum.
The Little Mermaid soundtrack sold over 6 million copies worldwide, an unprecedented feat at the time. The album also won two Oscars in 1990, one for Best Song from an Animated Feature Soundtrack (“Under the Sea”) and one for Best Album for Children.
8. The Little Mermaid pioneered the Disney Renaissance.
The Little Mermaid was the first of many highly successful films under new CEO Mike Eisner. The Disney Renaissance includes such blockbusters as The Lion King, Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, and Hercules.
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Every year movie buffs gather round the television to watch as the rich and famous divy up awards that cost more than you car for movies you’ve never heard of, making you feel culturally inept. As with every awards show, there are roughly 3 billion categories at the Oscars. However, I believe it should be 3 billion and 1. Tell me, where is the category for “Best Fake Movie” of the year? Don’t you find that more relevent than “Best Documentary Short Subject”? I mean, what does that even mean? Is that code for mockumentary? Why does it deserve it’s own category?
Only Steven Spielberg knows.
The point is, America, we cannot stand for this kind of injustice. We are a nation of the people, by George. To redeem the Oscars for this oversight, I’ve decided to hold my own ceremony, exclusively for fake films. At the regular Oscars, only the stars get a say in the winners. Well, at the Fake Oscars, YOU get the vote. So put on your old prom dress/tux and join me for the 2013 Fake Oscar’s red carpet. Do note that fake dates are welcome at the Fake Oscars. Now, please take your seat as we are ready to begin.
Ladies and gentlemen, this year’s nominees for “Best Fake Film” are:
Doug: The Movie
Directed by DrCoolSex
Mario Kart: The Movie
Directed by DrCoolSex
Dora the Explorer
Directed by CollegeHumor
Trailer for Every Oscar-Winning Movie Ever
Directed by Cracked
Movie The Movie
Directed by JimmyKimmelLive
Who will the Oscar go to? The suspense is killing you, I know. Well, friends, at the Fake Oscars, the power is in your hands. Vote now!
P.S. Have you followed my blog yet? You’ll definitely want to stay tuned to see who won. Click follow on the bottom right side of the page to receive updates about my blog and this year’s Oscar winner!