9 Signs You’re in a Long-Term Relationship, As Told by Tina Fey

1. Sweatpants Are Considered Date Clothes…

Goodbye, sundress. Hello, Snuggie!

2. …Because Netflix IS a Date

Given that the television is actually the third member of your relationship trifecta, it only makes sense.

3. You cut the crap.

Oh, you want to drive cross-country in a remodeled Volkswagen to observe the real America? No. We’re not doing that. Why are you so weird?

4. Farting.

All. The. Time.

5. You deal with each other’s weirdness.

Enough said.

6. Illness is no longer a good excuse not to hang out.

It’s not true love if you don’t French kiss strep.

7. You’ve basically forgotten how to be single.

I could totally snag another lover. I have all the flirts.

8. You order for each other when you’re out to eat.

Except sometimes bae asks what you want to eat and you say “I don’t care” and then he orders the WRONG THING.

9. Despite everything, you’re happier than you’ve ever been.

Suddenly unshaven legs and Funyun-breath look like happily ever after.

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About Prince Charming…He Isn’t Coming

Over the past 22 years, Disney has managed to infiltrate every aspect of my life – how I decorate my home, shape my pancakes and sometimes even style my hair. But above all, my love for Disney princess films seems to always come knocking in one special place. My love life. Somehow, whenever boy-talk rolls around with the ladies, I get a lot of questions like: Do you have insanely high standards? Are you waiting for Prince Charming? Do you want to be swept off your feet? I kid you not. People have legitimately asked me if I have a case of Prince Charming Syndrome, which I’m pretty sure is made up anyway.

Every time one of these ridiculous questions comes my way, I can’t help but question how well people actually know their Disney films. Like, have you actually seen a princess film in the past decade? If so, you would know that every prince charming is, well, not charming at all – packed with character flaws that pretty much jeopardize the entire romance every waking second of the movie. Just to prove a point, I’ve named every Disney prince from the franchise along with his totally undateable trait(s).

Charming #1: Obviously okay with kissing a  woman in comatose.

Charming #2: Apparently blind. Like could he not tell it was Cinderella just by looking at her face? Maybe it’s from all those sunset rides…

Phillip: Total idiot.

Eric: Also apparently blind. Cannot identify Ariel without her voice.

Beast: Subject to fits of unwarranted rage. Maybe verbally abusive.

Aladdin: Liar, thief, liar, beggar, liar… did I say liar?

John Smith: Not good with dads.

Captain Shang: Risks China to avoid taking advice from a girl.

Naveen: Lusty, greedy, selfish, irresponsible, childish, all around worst prince award.

Flynn Rider: Thief. And I don’t mean the starving justifiable kind.

Kristoff: That thing with the reindeer? Maaaaaaajor baggage.

You see? If Disney princes were nonfictional men at your in your dorm or at the office, you probably wouldn’t give them a second look. Aladdin would be “that weird compulsive liar in my Arabic studies class.” Shang would be “that sexist douche bag one cubicle over.” Don’t get even get me started on Flynn. So if Prince Charming is really so uncharming, why do women keep passing up perfectly good dates waiting on him? Why would anyone want to be swept off their feet at all if Charming the Blind is just going to drop them on their face? Is it hopeless? ARE YOU DOOMED TO THE HAIRY FATE OF A SPINSTER CAT LADY?

It seems like a lot of women – Disney fanatics, especially – pride themselves on unattainable relationship goals and the eternal pursuit of a flawless man. Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t shoot high, but I am saying that many a prince began as a frog. It’s so acceptable for women to compare their significant others to Disney princes, but what if the situation were reversed? Do you have the virtue of Snow White? Jasmine’s (probably dangerous) waistline? What about the poise of Aurora or Rapunzel’s wicked domestic skill set? I certainly don’t, nor do I exactly want to. Because those things aren’t love.

Even though no Disney relationship is smooth from start to finish, true love does exist. But contrary to popular belief, it isn’t seamless. I mean, did you see those flaws?! Take another read. I’ll wait. Our beloved heroines must have a lot of grit to put up with those shenanigan for a full 120-minute movie – let alone for life! Turns out, finding Prince Charming isn’t about high standards, impossible expectations or the perfect smoulder. It’s not even about love at first sight! Shocking, right? (Don’t tell Snow). Love is about finding someone who completes your story – no matter the time, no matter the cost. So how do you find that one special person, you ask? Well, it starts with one very easy step.

Give him a chance.

Is Romance a Dying Art?

Every so often, when I’m looking to unwind, I throw on my Frank Sinatra Pandora station and let the smooth kings of croon carry me away. But then, the other day, a truly captivating song struck my fancy. It was “A Kiss to Build a Dream On” by Louis Armstrong. As I listened carefully to the words, it got me thinking about a few things, namely romance. But first, have a listen for yourself.

Now, let’s slow it down and look at those lyrics.

Give me a kiss to build a dream on,
And my imagination will thrive upon that kiss,
Sweetheart, I ask no more than this,
A kiss to build a dream on.

Give me a kiss before you leave me,
And my imagination will feed my hungry heart,
Leave me one thing before we part,
A kiss to build a dream on.

Have you ever heard anything so charming in your life? If you’re a twenty-something like me, probably not. It’s not exactly news that modern music doesn’t carry the same love-struck chord that it did in the fifties, but just how far have we strayed? For comparison sake, let’s take Britney Spear’s newest hit, “Werk B****.”

You wanna hot body,
You want a Bugatti,
You want a Maseratti,
You better work b****.
You want a Lamborghini,
Sip martinis,
Look hot in a bikini,
You better work b****.

Maybe I don’t actually want a Maseratti. Maybe what I really want is old-school, heart-felt romance. Maybe I want Louis Armstrong. Long gone are the days when love was enough to pay the bills, and now it’s all about “jet planes, islands, and tigers on a gold leash,” or so says Lorde. Of course, marvelous love songs still exist today, but they’re seldom chart-toppers. They say that pop culture is a mirror to society, and if that’s the case, then doesn’t this deficiency of affection in mainstream music say something about us as a whole?

Lyrics

Of course, no romance is better than hollow romance. What I’m talking about is an outpouring of affection rooted entirely in genuine fondness and respect for another person. But if we did actually receive that grounded, all-in romance, would we even know what to do with it? It all reminds me of an episode of Sex and the City, where Carrie begins to feel smothered by all the grand romantic gestures of her new boyfriend. I think she sums it up best:

“We accept Tasti D-lite instead of real ice cream, emails instead of love songs, jokes instead of poetry. It’s no wonder that when faced with the real thing we can’t stomach it. Is it something we could learn to digest or have we become romance-intolerant?”

TextLove

A recent article by the Huffington Post suggests that the root of unhappiness plaguing Generation Y stems from a long history of unrealistic expectations. While that’s probably true, is it possible that just this once, in regard to romance, that’s not the case? Could the problem actually be that reality is quite simply coming up short? Or, as the article suggests, are we twenty-somethings stuck in a world of Ryan Gosling, romcom-fueled unrealistic expectations?