Facebook Rants (And Why They’re Stupid)

Whether it’s the Paula Deen scandal or the latest DOMA ruling, people will use Facebook to express their two cents on anything and everything. For those who prefer to grab some popcorn and watch as the fireworks of Internet debate go up in smoke, it’s cheap entertainment. For those who prefer to jump in on the action with guns and opinions blazing, though, it’s nothing short of debate. But here’s the problem: Facebook can never foster a solid debate and will almost always cause more harm than good. Why? For these three reasons below.

 1. The 420 Character Maximum

 Today, the expression of opinion serves primarily as a persuasive tool to convince others to adopt your opinion. It’s as simple as that. So when you use a 420-character maximum status to persuade your 600 “friends” of the advantages of gay marriage or the shortcomings of Obama, you’re hurting yourself and your argument through the lack of a fully developed discussion. It takes more than 420 characters to formulate a valid and convincing case for anything, and without the necessary evidence and research behind your claims, your opinion means nothing.

 2. The Value of Face-to-Face

 Last semester I took a course titled Literacy and Rhetoric, in which we read Plato’s Phaedrus. In the book, Plato claims that face-to-face dialogue serves only one purpose: the discovery of truth. It doesn’t matter whose opinion is right or wrong as long as both participants are closer to finding the truth at the end of the conversation. According to Plato, this kind of debate can only be done in person. He expressed a great distrust of writing as people can misinterpret tone and context without the opportunity to ask questions or give feedback. Can you imagine what Plato would say about Facebook, where we are 100% physically isolated from the public we’re engaging?

 3. Identity and Opinions

 The last issue speaks more to the nature of society than Facebook, but it all comes back around to social media. According to Aristotle in Rhetoric (yes, another class read) the biggest fault in debate is when we merge opinion and identity. If someone says they’re pro-life, they’re probably religious, conservative and from the south, right? Be it right or wrong, associations like these are for the most part inevitable and inescapable. Based on these associations, people may be more or less inclined to hear your opinion in the future depending on their own views. So before you comment or post your emotionally-charged political commentary, remember: your identity will be attached to those 420 characters.

 Overall, I’m not saying we shouldn’t express our opinions. That’s almost as dangerous as ignorant debate. I’m simply saying that if you think you’re going to lead your friends to the light with a clickable-link to Fox News, think again. Facebook is not the new Roman Forum.

 Do you agree? Disagree? I’d love to hear what you think about Facebook rants.

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How to Get a Celebrity to Follow You on Twitter

What is it about the rich and famous that draws us to them like a moth to a flame? It’s like we’re genetically wired for celebrity crushes. As any professional stalker can tell you, the objective is to be near the action but not close enough to catch the eye of Sven the beefy, Swiss body guard. The solution: social media.

There are no body guards of social media, which means there’s nothing separating you and your favorite celebrity (except the millions of miles between your cellular device, your provider’s satelitte dish spinning in space, and said celebrity’s cellular device.) Still, you get the point. So how do you do it? How do you get a celebrity to follow you on Twitter?

By following these 10 steps:

1. Follow them. (duh)

2. Tweet them.

3. Tweet them again.

4. Tweet them a third time.

5. Start tweeting them witty puns from their own songs/films.

6. Get your friends to tweet them.

7. Tweet them again.

8. Set up a Hootsuit account so you can schedule tweets while you sleep.

9. Tweet them in the morning.

10. Tweet them until your thumbs bleed, or they follow you.

Disclaimer: Your friends may disown you/unfollow you by the masses. Simply disregard this.

If they haven’t followed you by the end of the process, you may repeat steps 1-1o or find a new celebrity to fawn over. What authority am I, you ask, to preach on such a topic? I, friends, am the proud Twitter-friend of 90’s teen heart-throb Aaron Carter. Highlight of my Twitter career? No doubt. (90s pun intended)

If I can do it, so can you. Now you have the tools to achieve your creepy, celebrity stalker dreams without the Sven-factor. So go, future creepers! Go forth and get those follows!

P.S. I swear I’m not as creepy as I sound. I just really love the 90s and all things boy-band. Especially the Carters.

Boyfriend Does My Makeup Fail

On one of my typical Jenna Marble’s video binges, I came across this glorious treasure called “Boyfriend Does My Makeup.” If there’s one thing I’ve learned from America’s Funniest Home Videos, it’s that anything which makes a man look like a total idiot is bound to be hilarious. It’s a scientific fact, and this video is no exception. In case you haven’t had a chance to see the original, here it is:

I gawked at the horrendous Franken-Cover-Girl that Max No Sleeves created and thought to myself, my boyfriend is super savvy and well-rounded in bizarre skills. I bet he could put Max No Sleeves to shame. So on a random weeknight, while in one of those weird moods where things like living-room-gymnastics seems like a good idea, I talked him into doing my makeup. What could go wrong, here? He’s a 22-year-old man, not a toddler. I laid out the arsenal, sticking to the basics, and let him go to work.

It went something like this…

Him: “I know how lipstick works, so I’m going to start with that.”

Me: “Whatever you think.”

Too few seconds later…

Him: “There. It’s not too bad.”

I turn to  the mirror.

Me: “Should you maybe clean that up a little?”

Him: “Nah, I think it looks pretty good.”

Despite the horror I decided not to say anything, as that’s the first rule of the game. Then, without warning, disaster struck. With the lipstick turned all the way up, I watched in slow motion as he slowly shoved the cap down over my $22 Lancome lipstick.

To cry was futile. It was too late.

Note: the faint of heart should turn away now. The crime scene evidence shown below may not be suitable for all audiences.

Half my lipstick was jammed into the cap like marmalade, and I couldn’t even be mad. I suggested the game; I gave him expensive makeup; I stupidly suggested a bad idea for a cheap blog post. After mutual consent to end the game, I tried furiously, furiously, to talk him into letting me do his makeup, but that flag didn’t fly. Of course, that too was based on a Jenna Marble’s video…

So here’s the moral, kids: Y Chromosome + Makeup = Toddler + Makeup. Just use the Walgreen’s stuff. There’s a time and a place for Boyfriend Does My Makeup, and while it may not have been last Wednesday during Swamp People, I’m confident the time will come. Stay tuned, friends, because Boyfriend Does My Makeup Part II will soon be coming to a theater near you.

P.S. Think your man has what it takes? Try the challenge for yourself, and post your results below.

P.P.S. Have you followed my blog yet? Click “Follow” at the top of the page to receive regular, unobnoxious updates on my blog!

The “Should I Post That?” Test

When I log onto Facebook and see a photo captioned “If I can get 1,000,000 likes” my faith in humanity wanes. Then, as I keep scrolling through my news feed, it’s only a matter of time until I stumble upon Instaselfies, foodsies, perfectly “boooorrrreeeed” posts, or some ignorant politcal commentary (on both sides of the party line).

Wouldn’t it be easier if there was a way to filter the scum out of the social media pond? Well, friends, now there is. As a leap in faith in the restoration of meaningful communication, I’ve created a foolproof “Should I Post That?” Test for Facebookers of all ages.

The rules, etiquette, and exceptions quickly became too much for a mere written test, so I created this flowchart. It’s simple. Just start and the top and work your way down the chart. To enlarge, simply click the picture.

You’re probably thinking, “Who are you to judge the posts of other innocent Facebook goers?” Now, let’s climb down from our high horse because we all loathe the idiots of the Facebook village. It’s inevitable. Everyone knows people watching is a fine sport indeed, and Facebook is merely a digital Oklahoma fairgrounds. It’s prime, folks.

Of course, with all tests, there are exceptions to the rules. Foodsies can be appreciated when the food is exotic or homemade or somehow aesthetically pleasing. For special occasions and extraordinary days, selfies can be wonderfully received. Let’s be real, though. For every validated selfie, there are 6 “Laaazzyyyyy day” or “Driving to class!” pics even your mother doesn’t care about.

Lastly, allow me to post a dislcaimer. I am a mortal, an imperfect being. I myself am guilty of multiple crimes outlined above. However, each day is a new beginning, an opportunity to prove to the world that change is possible. No matter how many Facebook assaults you’ve committed in the past, remember: Hakuna Matata.  Go; use this test and better mankind in the name of Mark Zuckerberg.