Boybandology

Believe it or not, there’s an entire branch of psychology dedicated to the study of boy bands. I started it this morning, and it’s called boybandology. To quote an online article I once read but can no longer find, “which boy band member you like says more about your personality than all the macaroni art you could ever make for your school psychologist.”  Word. This is the boybandology mission statement. By understanding  the five boy band archetypes below, the dedicated professionals of boybandology (me) hope you will come to better understand yourself. Enjoy.

The Rebel Without a Cause: To the horror of God-fearing mothers everywhere, young girls have been fawning over these poorly-tattooed, overly-pierced, wild childs since the dawning of pop. If this is your type, you’re destined for a thorny rose tramp stamp and a lip ring. Get used to it.

What’s happening here, Chris?

Examples: AJ McLean, Donnie Wahlberg, Joey Fatone

The One You Always Forget: Everyone loves an underdog, especially one without a Wikipedia page. Like your crush, you tend to pass the spotlight on in favor of a more humble, forgettable existence. On the plus side, you won’t have to deal with paparazzi at your wedding.

Do you even know this guy’s name? Exactly.

Examples: Justin Jeffre, Danny Wood, Howie Dorough

The Silent Mute: You know his name, you recognize his face, but you have never once heard his voice. Is that even possible? You like The Silent Mute because you’re a perpetually wound-up Chatty Cathy

Pretty sure he’s only had one solo. Ever.

Examples: Jonathan Knight, Kevin Richardson

The Golden Boy: The star of the show and of your 5th grade notebook. Pursuing The Golden Boy means you’ve got a go big or go home attitude and you’re not afraid to show it (even if it means naming your firstborn Nick.) The forerunners of the Beliebers, these girls be cray.

Oh, Justin. You’ve come so far.

Example: Justin Timberlake, Nick Carter, Nick Lachey, Justin Timberlake

The Consolation Prize: Second in popularity only to The Golden Boy, the Consolation Prize typically attracts just enough attention to score a spot on MTV while leading a perfectly normal life on the side. Choosing The Consolation Prize means you’re generally down to Earth, but you love to live large when opportunity knocks.

The less famous/hunky Lachey.

Examples: Brian Litrell, Lance Bass, Drew Lachey

It’s no secret that I always go for The Golden Boy, but which category do you fall under?

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Ultimate Valentine’s Playlist

With just 7 days until Valentine’s Day, it’s time to start the preparations. Dust off your Nicholas Sparks collection and buy yourself a box (or two) of Russel Stovers. More importantly, it’s time to sift through your iTunes library in search of those sappy songs that melt your heart and trigger your gag reflex.

They’re the songs you love to hate, cheesy enough to make fondue. Whether you’ll be crying into a bottle of wine or getting down with your inner Barry White, nothing sets the mood like a Valentine’s playlist from those who know estrogen-targeted romance best: boy bands.  As an early Valentine’s gift from me to you, here’s a playlist of the best worst boy band love songs. If you think the songs are bad, just wait until you see the music videos. Click the pictures to see for yourself.

Note: This program contains toxic amount of sappy romanticism, which can lead to vomiting. Viewer discretion is advised.

Title: I Swear

Artist: All-4-One

Year: 1994

Title: I Do

Artist: 98 Degrees

Year: 2000

Title: Little Things

Artist: One Direction

Year: 2012

Title: One

Artist: Brian McKnight

Year: 2000

Title: God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You

Artist: N*Sync

Year: 1998

Title: Make Love to You

Artist: Boyz II Men

Year: 1994

Title: I Knew I Loved You

Artist: Savage Garden

Year: 1999

I realize many of these are 90s boys bands, but what can I say? The boys of the 90s know what’s up. Men, come a little closer. We’re about to have a heart-to-heart. No matter what they tell you, all women love boy bands. It’s coded onto that second X chromosome. If you’re feeling romantic, why not serenade that special someone with a little boy band bliss? Oh, you sing like William Hung? In that case, stick with a mixed tape. It’s sweet; it’s sexy; it says “I love you like a love song,” and what’s better than that?

No matter what you have planned for the big day, make sure to leave a little one-on-one time with the boys of N*Sync, One Direction, and Savage Garden. Remember, they loved you before they even met you. That, friends, is what Valentine’s Day is all about.