Nail Polish Horoscope

Think you nail polish has nothing to do with the outcome of your day?

Think again.

1. Ruby Red

Ruby RedSimple and timeless. This is the Jennifer Aniston of finger nails, meaning you can literally do no wrong. Like Rachel Green, your charm and beauty will carry you far this week – but beware! Your shallow vanity will blind you today and cause you to miss your lobster. Forever. Sucks to suck.

2. Full French

Full FrenchWhoa, Kate Middleton – cool your jets! We know you’re basically the pinnacle of high class, but this isn’t the high school prom. A flawless combination of power and poise, you take what you want like the honey badger. But honey badger don’t care, and your apathy is going to get the best of you today. Do you care? Nope. You’ve got plenty of cobra to last all week.

3. Colored French Tip

Colored French TipYou are everything the honey badger French tip is not – like Kate Middleton’s booty-short wearing, loud-mouthed little sister. Somehow, men will find your wild side confusing yet compelling, so be sure to shave your legs in the morning. After exchanging cross words with a loved one today, you will impulsively pay for a barbed wired tattoo. The crazy part? You won’t even regret it.

4. Odd Man Out

Odd Man OutWelcome, Millenials! How was that Cosmo guide to nail couture? Good? Good. Today you’re going to totally LOL at your BFFs snapchat right before skipping your digital marketing class. You’re also going to blow your last $4 on one tiny little bottle of polish to use exclusively on your ring finger. Enjoy your chicken-flavored Ramen. YOLO.

5. Texturized

TexturizedGlitter, fuzzy, magnetized…no texture is off limits. If you’re not nine years old, then you’re probably going through a “phase” – somewhere between bangs and colored eyeliner. Odds are, you’ll be dying a small strip of hair to a Mandy Moore soundtrack this evening, so get the bleach ready. There’s a fine line between playful and pitiful – let someone else worry about finding it.

6. Back to Black

Back to Black

Your nails are as dark as your soul, and today, not a care will be given. You will ask yourself, what would King Jeoffrey do? And then you will do it. There’s a good chance you’re going to make out with a total stranger mid-afternoon, so be sure to toss some Lifesavers in your Steve Madden studded satchel. Oh, and please call your mom. She’s worried about you.

7. Pinteresting

PinterestingAmbitious is a good word for you. Although it took you two and half hours to paint all the Winnie the Pooh characters on each nubby little nail, you didn’t give up. No, sir. Sure, Pooh actually looks like his namesake – the mustard-stained contents of an infant’s diaper. But you’ll bounce back. Also, looks like you’ll be creating a DIY boho chandelier from old T-shirts this afternoon. Good luck.

8. Naked

NakedYesterday you peeled off every last bit of shellac because you’re sassy and cannot be tamed. In an effort to hide those Freddy Kreuger claws, you thought you’d just casually slap six layers of nude on your flaky digs. Nice try. Your piss-poor nails will cause you to get into a fight with your significant other today because – again – sassy and can’t be tamed.

9. Diamond in the Rough

Diamond in the RoughYou want a Lamborghini. Sip martinis. Look hot in a bikini. Yeah…unfortunately you’re not Britney Spears. Sorry ’bout that. If you’ve got more than one rhinestone per nail, you best drive yourself back to XPress Nails and cozy up with a bottle of acetone.  Watch out! If you don’t, your coworker will go blind today – probably because your nails are brighter than Rhianna’s “Diamonds”.

10. Metallic

MetallicYou’ve never seen a diamond in the flesh, and you have no idea what it means to cut your teeth on wedding rings in the movie. But – oh – you know you want to. Started at the bottom now we (still) here. That bad-a attitude will take you places, so listen to Journey and don’t stop believing. Like Gwen Stefani, you too will be a rich girl. Soon.

For more poorly-based predictions, check out the follow underwear horoscope by Jenna Marbles.

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21 90s Toys You Probably Forgot About

1. Pogs

2. Puppy Surprise

3. Gooey Louie

4. Tinkertoys

5. Moon Shoes

6. View Master

7. Perler Beads

8. Doodle Bear

9. Don’t Wake Daddy

10. Pin Art

11. Britney Spears “Hit Me Baby One More Time” Doll

12. Hoberman Sphere

13. Water Wiggler

14. Blow Pens

15. Socker Boppers

16. Betty Spaghetty

17. Crocodile Dentist

18. Koosh Ball

19. Critter Keychain Kit

20. Magna Doodle

21. Mouse Trap

So, how many did you have?

7 Questions College Seniors are Tired of Hearing

1. What do you plan to do after graduation?

I’m sorry, could you repeat the question?

2. Now, what are you majoring in again?

No, Grandma, I’m majoring in public relations. No, that’s not like DHS. No, it’s also not wedding planning. Or politics. Yes, of course it’s a real major! You know what, just tell everybody I Tweet for a living. I can live with that.

3. What big city are you heading to?

What a minute. What’s wrong with right here? Why am I moving? Do I have to move? Is it mandatory? Whose going to help me pack? How am I going to afford this move? What are this? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

4. Are you and so-and-so getting married?

If so-and-so and I do decide to get married, can’t you just find out from Facebook like all of our other marginal acquaintances? Come on, bud. Know your place.

5. What exactly do you want to do with that degree?

Smoke it. Seriously, what do you think I’m going to do with it? Try my hardest to find a job, like all the other bajillion recent graduates living at home with Mom and Dad.

6. Do you have a back-up plan?

Wait. Should I be offended by that?

7. Are you ready to be done?

 Okay. This one never actually gets old because YES I AM SO READY TO BE DONE.

Is Romance a Dying Art?

Every so often, when I’m looking to unwind, I throw on my Frank Sinatra Pandora station and let the smooth kings of croon carry me away. But then, the other day, a truly captivating song struck my fancy. It was “A Kiss to Build a Dream On” by Louis Armstrong. As I listened carefully to the words, it got me thinking about a few things, namely romance. But first, have a listen for yourself.

Now, let’s slow it down and look at those lyrics.

Give me a kiss to build a dream on,
And my imagination will thrive upon that kiss,
Sweetheart, I ask no more than this,
A kiss to build a dream on.

Give me a kiss before you leave me,
And my imagination will feed my hungry heart,
Leave me one thing before we part,
A kiss to build a dream on.

Have you ever heard anything so charming in your life? If you’re a twenty-something like me, probably not. It’s not exactly news that modern music doesn’t carry the same love-struck chord that it did in the fifties, but just how far have we strayed? For comparison sake, let’s take Britney Spear’s newest hit, “Werk B****.”

You wanna hot body,
You want a Bugatti,
You want a Maseratti,
You better work b****.
You want a Lamborghini,
Sip martinis,
Look hot in a bikini,
You better work b****.

Maybe I don’t actually want a Maseratti. Maybe what I really want is old-school, heart-felt romance. Maybe I want Louis Armstrong. Long gone are the days when love was enough to pay the bills, and now it’s all about “jet planes, islands, and tigers on a gold leash,” or so says Lorde. Of course, marvelous love songs still exist today, but they’re seldom chart-toppers. They say that pop culture is a mirror to society, and if that’s the case, then doesn’t this deficiency of affection in mainstream music say something about us as a whole?

Lyrics

Of course, no romance is better than hollow romance. What I’m talking about is an outpouring of affection rooted entirely in genuine fondness and respect for another person. But if we did actually receive that grounded, all-in romance, would we even know what to do with it? It all reminds me of an episode of Sex and the City, where Carrie begins to feel smothered by all the grand romantic gestures of her new boyfriend. I think she sums it up best:

“We accept Tasti D-lite instead of real ice cream, emails instead of love songs, jokes instead of poetry. It’s no wonder that when faced with the real thing we can’t stomach it. Is it something we could learn to digest or have we become romance-intolerant?”

TextLove

A recent article by the Huffington Post suggests that the root of unhappiness plaguing Generation Y stems from a long history of unrealistic expectations. While that’s probably true, is it possible that just this once, in regard to romance, that’s not the case? Could the problem actually be that reality is quite simply coming up short? Or, as the article suggests, are we twenty-somethings stuck in a world of Ryan Gosling, romcom-fueled unrealistic expectations?