1. There’ll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glory of Christmases long, long ago.
Nope, that’s Halloween. Good try, though.
2. Gee, the traffic is terrific!
Excuse me, sir, what is your stance on traffic? It’s terrific? Get this man an Uber, he’s obviously had too much egg nog.
3. Little Drummer Boy (The Entire Song)
Did your Pottery Barn nativity set come with a little drummer boy? Exactly. *insert conspiracy theory of choice*
4. In the meadow we can build a snowman and pretend that he is Parson Brown.
Is parson a title, an adjective, a nickname? Should Parson be capitalized or lowercase? Have we met? SO MANY QUESTIONS.
5. On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me ten dancing ladies.
If she’s your true love, why do you need ten dancing ladies?
6. Mary ,did you know that your baby boy would heal the blind with his hand?
Does the name Gabriel mean nothing to you? Yes, Mary knew. She always knew.
7. Oh, bring us some figgy pudding…we won’t go until we get some.
AKA I won’t go home until you feed me this fiery dog turd.