7 Christmas Lyrics That Make No Sense

1. There’ll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glory of Christmases long, long ago.

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Nope, that’s Halloween. Good try, though.

2. Gee, the traffic is terrific!

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Excuse me, sir, what is your stance on traffic? It’s terrific? Get this man an Uber, he’s obviously had too much egg nog.

3. Little Drummer Boy (The Entire Song)

Did your Pottery Barn nativity set come with a little drummer boy? Exactly. *insert conspiracy theory of choice*

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4. In the meadow we can build a snowman and pretend that he is Parson Brown.

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Is parson a title, an adjective, a nickname? Should Parson be capitalized or lowercase? Have we met? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

5. On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me ten dancing ladies.

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If she’s your true love, why do you need ten dancing ladies?

6. Mary ,did you know that your baby boy would heal the blind with his hand?

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Does the name Gabriel mean nothing to you? Yes, Mary knew. She always knew.

7. Oh, bring us some figgy pudding…we won’t go until we get some.

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AKA I won’t go home until you feed me this fiery dog turd.

 

 

 

 

 

The $20 or Less Etsy Gift Guide

Instead of tossing elbows with the masses on Black Friday, why not opt for something simpler? Etsy is a fabulous place to get unique, cutomized and affordable gifts, but I’m sure you already know that. With millions of options, though, it can be just as overwhelming and treacherous as a doorbuster deal gone bad. Solution? Check out my Etsy Christmas survival guide below, featuring nine gifts as original as your friends – for just $20 or less.

For the artistic one:

Fox Watercolor Print - $20

Fox Watercolor Print – $20

What does the fox say? Buy me. Amber Alexander has over 374 quirky but outstanding watercolor paintings and prints. Going postal? Be sure to check out her Christmas cards, too.

For the Disney-lover:

Framed Peter Pan Glitter Silhouette

Framed Peter Pan Glitter Silhouette – $10

Never grow up? Sounds like a plan to me. Poppies and posies features mostly framed and matted Disney-themed silhouettes. Each picture is 100% customizable, so the possibilities are as endless as Tink’s supply of pixie dust.

For the wandering soul:

Travel Journal Notebook - $16

Travel Journal Notebook – $16

Lost with wanderlust? Set them free with one of several travel-themed journals from Istria Design. Be sure to write your address on the inside cover so they can thank you with postcards from their globetrotting journey.

For the phone junkie:

Color Palette iPhone 4 Case

Color Palette iPhone 4 Case – $10.99

From Disney to Dr. Who, Captain America to Hepburn, iPhone Case 001 has a little bit of everything. Personal yet functional. With 309 cases to choose from, there really is something for everyone.

For the Harry Potter freak:

Rose

Harry Potter Book Rose – $2.50

Book-lovers are bound to go crazy for these precious HP roses by Wednesday Thursby. Get it? Bound? Oh, okay. You got it the first time.

For the dude:

Bacon Soap

Bacon Soap – $6

Fact: Guys use soap. Fact: Guys love bacon. Conclusion: Get him bacon soap. If he isn’t a stereotypical bacon fanatic, then check out some of the other 539 food-themed choices from AJ Sweet Soap and pick his favorite dish for the soap dish.

For the writer:

Pheasant Feather Quill Pen - $8.33

Pheasant Feather Quill Pen – $8.33

The sacred feather of this quill from Whillock hails from the mighty eagle of Middle Earth’s Misty Mountains. Okay, that’s not true at all, but your writer buddy is definitely gonna’ love the Tolkien tribute.

For the gamer:

SNES Ring - $16

SNES Ring – $16

Oh My Geekness! How rad is this ring? OMG deals primarily in nerdtastic jewelry and cuff links. Each item is totally customizable, so you can even order their favorite game for extra bonus points.

For the crazy cat lady:

Cat Ears Ring - $15.06

Cat Ears Ring – $15.06

We all know a future cat lady in the making. Now, thanks to OST Accessories, that abundance of cat hair won’t be the only kitty-themed token they take out of the house.

Cider, Christmas, and Curling

Today as I drove home from school a most miraculous thing happened. I heard not one, not two, but a blissfully eternal stream of Christmas music dancing from my speakers. I haven’t been this excited since Kevin rejoined the Backstreet Boys in July.

Naturally I rushed home, made a hot cup of cider, and started work on this blog. Christmas time really is the most wonderful time of year, evoking thoughts of gingerbread, starry-lit houses, and snowy nights. These wintery images lead perfectly into today’s theme: curling.

Not everyone is familiar with this icy niche sport despite its Olympic appearances, which is a real pity. After being roped into $5 learn-to-curl session by a friend/Sooner Curling Club Preisdent, I found that curling is actually a pretty cool pastime. (Let the pun count commence)

The Players:

  1. Thrower: Throws the rock. Obviously.
  2. Sweepers: Two players run alongside the rock with “brooms” (poorly pictured below) sweeping the rock’s path clear.
  3. Skipper: Stands on the house and instructs the thrower how to cast the rock.

The Rules:

The rules of curling are similar to those of bocce ball and shuffle board. The objective is to slide 40 lb. “rocks” across the ice so that they land on bulls eyes painted beneath the ice. Two teams alternate sliding their rocks, and the team with the highest number of rocks closest to the center wins the game.  Sounds simple enough, right?

Wrong.

The Technique:

One does not simply throw a rock. Oh no. First you must turn the rock correctly, position your wrist for spin, slide your left foot back, raise your hips as awkwardly high as possible, support yourself on a broom, and launch yourself from a frighteningly small pedestal. While you’re sliding helplessly along the ice, you must then hurl an enormous rock all the way to the opposite side of the rink. Now, when faced with falling, the worst thing to do is lose your cool, and you will fall at least once. Trust me; throwing is harder than it looks, friends.

      

     As you can see, I as a newbie (pictured left) clearly have the same technique as a long-time curling professional (pictured right) despite my I-might-fall-at-any-time appearance.

The Verdict

Despite the initial cold feet of embarrassment and our team’s chilling defeat, I enjoyed myself far more than anticipated. I was pleasantly surprised the sport was gentle enough for my arthritic-cursed knees, but still rough enough to leave some nasty bruises. Turns out curling is an icy-hearted mistress, if you catch my drift.

If you’ve never curled before (meaning you don’t live in Canada,) I highly suggest giving it a go. Bring some hot chocolate, a Christmas playlist for the car, and make a seasonal date of it. Who knows, you may be pleasantly surprised.

P.S. How many puns did you count? You may want to reread; there’s 8.