Nail Polish Horoscope

Think you nail polish has nothing to do with the outcome of your day?

Think again.

1. Ruby Red

Simple and timeless. This is the Jennifer Aniston of finger nails, meaning you can literally do no wrong. Like Rachel Green, your charm and beauty will carry you far this week – but beware! Your shallow vanity will blind you today and cause you to miss your lobster. Forever. Sucks to suck.

2. Full French

Whoa, Kate Middleton – cool your jets! We know you’re basically the pinnacle of high class, but this isn’t the high school prom. A flawless combination of power and poise, you take what you want like the honey badger. But honey badger don’t care, and your apathy is going to get the best of you today. Do you care? Nope. You’ve got plenty of cobra to last all week.

3. Colored French Tip

You are everything the honey badger French tip is not – like Kate Middleton’s booty-short wearing, loud-mouthed little sister. Somehow, men will find your wild side confusing yet compelling, so be sure to shave your legs in the morning. After exchanging cross words with a loved one today, you will impulsively pay for a barbed wired tattoo. The crazy part? You won’t even regret it.

4. Odd Man Out

Welcome, Millenials! How was that Cosmo guide to nail couture? Good? Good. Today you’re going to totally LOL at your BFFs snapchat right before skipping your digital marketing class. You’re also going to blow your last $4 on one tiny little bottle of polish to use exclusively on your ring finger. Enjoy your chicken-flavored Ramen. YOLO.

5. Texturized

Glitter, fuzzy, magnetized…no texture is off limits. If you’re not nine years old, then you’re probably going through a “phase” – somewhere between bangs and colored eyeliner. Odds are, you’ll be dying a small strip of hair to a Mandy Moore soundtrack this evening, so get the bleach ready. There’s a fine line between playful and pitiful – let someone else worry about finding it.

6. Back to Black

Your nails are as dark as your soul, and today, not a care will be given. You will ask yourself, what would King Jeoffrey do? And then you will do it. There’s a good chance you’re going to make out with a total stranger mid-afternoon, so be sure to toss some Lifesavers in your Steve Madden studded satchel. Oh, and please call your mom. She’s worried about you.

7. Pinteresting

Ambitious is a good word for you. Although it took you two and half hours to paint all the Winnie the Pooh characters on each nubby little nail, you didn’t give up. No, sir. Sure, Pooh actually looks like his namesake – the mustard-stained contents of an infant’s diaper. But you’ll bounce back. Also, looks like you’ll be creating a DIY boho chandelier from old T-shirts this afternoon. Good luck.

8. Naked

Yesterday you peeled off every last bit of shellac because you’re sassy and cannot be tamed. In an effort to hide those Freddy Kreuger claws, you thought you’d just casually slap six layers of nude on your flaky digs. Nice try. Your piss-poor nails will cause you to get into a fight with your significant other today because – again – sassy and can’t be tamed.

9. Diamond in the Rough

You want a Lamborghini. Sip martinis. Look hot in a bikini. Yeah…unfortunately you’re not Britney Spears. Sorry ’bout that. If you’ve got more than one rhinestone per nail, you best drive yourself back to XPress Nails and cozy up with a bottle of acetone.  Watch out! If you don’t, your coworker will go blind today – probably because your nails are brighter than Rhianna’s “Diamonds”.

10. Metallic

You’ve never seen a diamond in the flesh, and you have no idea what it means to cut your teeth on wedding rings in the movie. But – oh – you know you want to. Started at the bottom now we (still) here. That bad-a attitude will take you places, so listen to Journey and don’t stop believing. Like Gwen Stefani, you too will be a rich girl. Soon.

For more poorly-based predictions, check out the follow underwear horoscope by Jenna Marbles.

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On Being a Pretty Lady

You’re browsing through the crowded aisles of Wal-Mart when, suddenly, you spot it. A wadded up  mess of hair bobbles along the row next to you as a frazzled looking woman rounds the corner. Her faded sweats really compliment that sickly, blotchy look her make-up-less face sports. You with your judgy Kim Kardashian eyes wonder why she couldn’t bother to slap on some mascara, but that’s because you’ve probably never realized how stupidly time consuming womanhood can be.

A while back, my boyfriend and I had a discussion that led to a grand epipheny. He claimed the majority of famous authors, chefs, and painters were men, and after much deliberation, I realized he was right. You know why? Because we’re too busy filling our eyebrows and blow-drying our frizzy-Lizzy hair.

Let’s say it takes the average woman fifteen minutes to put on make-up and that she wears make-up at least five out of seven days a week. Now, if she began wearing make-up at 13 and stops at 60, she will spend 183,300 minutes applying make-up. That’s roughly 127 days. I think Jenna Marbles said it best.

Then we’ve got jokesters like Dove to deal with and their Real Beauty Sketches video. Oh, you didn’t see it? Check it out below. They’re clearly trying to say “hey, you’re more attractive than you think you are” while they’re actually saying “big foreheads, round faces, and freckles suck.” Thanks Dove. There went another $28 for some heavy duty Bare Minerals foundation and $20 on bangs.

Of course, there’s more than just make-up. You work out for your cottage cheese thighs, shave an acre-worth of real estate daily, buff and polish your lizardly dry skin,  and spend hours painting your nails like little watermelons. And you think skinny jeans are fun? There’s nothing enjoyable about jeans tight enough to leave stitching indentions on your billowing thighs. In fact, half the time our jeans are secretly unbuttoned beneath that flowly, hipster shirt we’re wearing for maximum meal-time enjoyment. Why do we do it? To look like pretty ladies.

You may think I’m a weird feminist hipster who doesn’t wear make-up or girly clothes. Wrong. I love dolling up and dancing around with baby-bottom-smooth legs as much as the next girl. I rejoice in femininity and the color pink. This song pretty much sums it up:

Really, I’m trying to say two things:

Boys: the next time you see a girl who’s obviously spent four hours trying to look like Jennifer Aniston on a bad day, you tell her how awesome she looks.

Girls: the next time you’re tempted to judge someone’s bird nest bun bobbling wildly like an epileptic turkey, bite your tongue. She’s probably the next J.K. Rowling.

Boyfriend Does My Makeup Fail

On one of my typical Jenna Marble’s video binges, I came across this glorious treasure called “Boyfriend Does My Makeup.” If there’s one thing I’ve learned from America’s Funniest Home Videos, it’s that anything which makes a man look like a total idiot is bound to be hilarious. It’s a scientific fact, and this video is no exception. In case you haven’t had a chance to see the original, here it is:

I gawked at the horrendous Franken-Cover-Girl that Max No Sleeves created and thought to myself, my boyfriend is super savvy and well-rounded in bizarre skills. I bet he could put Max No Sleeves to shame. So on a random weeknight, while in one of those weird moods where things like living-room-gymnastics seems like a good idea, I talked him into doing my makeup. What could go wrong, here? He’s a 22-year-old man, not a toddler. I laid out the arsenal, sticking to the basics, and let him go to work.

It went something like this…

Him: “I know how lipstick works, so I’m going to start with that.”

Me: “Whatever you think.”

Too few seconds later…

Him: “There. It’s not too bad.”

I turn to  the mirror.

Me: “Should you maybe clean that up a little?”

Him: “Nah, I think it looks pretty good.”

Despite the horror I decided not to say anything, as that’s the first rule of the game. Then, without warning, disaster struck. With the lipstick turned all the way up, I watched in slow motion as he slowly shoved the cap down over my $22 Lancome lipstick.

To cry was futile. It was too late.

Note: the faint of heart should turn away now. The crime scene evidence shown below may not be suitable for all audiences.

Half my lipstick was jammed into the cap like marmalade, and I couldn’t even be mad. I suggested the game; I gave him expensive makeup; I stupidly suggested a bad idea for a cheap blog post. After mutual consent to end the game, I tried furiously, furiously, to talk him into letting me do his makeup, but that flag didn’t fly. Of course, that too was based on a Jenna Marble’s video…

So here’s the moral, kids: Y Chromosome + Makeup = Toddler + Makeup. Just use the Walgreen’s stuff. There’s a time and a place for Boyfriend Does My Makeup, and while it may not have been last Wednesday during Swamp People, I’m confident the time will come. Stay tuned, friends, because Boyfriend Does My Makeup Part II will soon be coming to a theater near you.

P.S. Think your man has what it takes? Try the challenge for yourself, and post your results below.

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