Nail Polish Horoscope

Think you nail polish has nothing to do with the outcome of your day?

Think again.

1. Ruby Red

Simple and timeless. This is the Jennifer Aniston of finger nails, meaning you can literally do no wrong. Like Rachel Green, your charm and beauty will carry you far this week – but beware! Your shallow vanity will blind you today and cause you to miss your lobster. Forever. Sucks to suck.

2. Full French

Whoa, Kate Middleton – cool your jets! We know you’re basically the pinnacle of high class, but this isn’t the high school prom. A flawless combination of power and poise, you take what you want like the honey badger. But honey badger don’t care, and your apathy is going to get the best of you today. Do you care? Nope. You’ve got plenty of cobra to last all week.

3. Colored French Tip

You are everything the honey badger French tip is not – like Kate Middleton’s booty-short wearing, loud-mouthed little sister. Somehow, men will find your wild side confusing yet compelling, so be sure to shave your legs in the morning. After exchanging cross words with a loved one today, you will impulsively pay for a barbed wired tattoo. The crazy part? You won’t even regret it.

4. Odd Man Out

Welcome, Millenials! How was that Cosmo guide to nail couture? Good? Good. Today you’re going to totally LOL at your BFFs snapchat right before skipping your digital marketing class. You’re also going to blow your last $4 on one tiny little bottle of polish to use exclusively on your ring finger. Enjoy your chicken-flavored Ramen. YOLO.

5. Texturized

Glitter, fuzzy, magnetized…no texture is off limits. If you’re not nine years old, then you’re probably going through a “phase” – somewhere between bangs and colored eyeliner. Odds are, you’ll be dying a small strip of hair to a Mandy Moore soundtrack this evening, so get the bleach ready. There’s a fine line between playful and pitiful – let someone else worry about finding it.

6. Back to Black

Your nails are as dark as your soul, and today, not a care will be given. You will ask yourself, what would King Jeoffrey do? And then you will do it. There’s a good chance you’re going to make out with a total stranger mid-afternoon, so be sure to toss some Lifesavers in your Steve Madden studded satchel. Oh, and please call your mom. She’s worried about you.

7. Pinteresting

Ambitious is a good word for you. Although it took you two and half hours to paint all the Winnie the Pooh characters on each nubby little nail, you didn’t give up. No, sir. Sure, Pooh actually looks like his namesake – the mustard-stained contents of an infant’s diaper. But you’ll bounce back. Also, looks like you’ll be creating a DIY boho chandelier from old T-shirts this afternoon. Good luck.

8. Naked

Yesterday you peeled off every last bit of shellac because you’re sassy and cannot be tamed. In an effort to hide those Freddy Kreuger claws, you thought you’d just casually slap six layers of nude on your flaky digs. Nice try. Your piss-poor nails will cause you to get into a fight with your significant other today because – again – sassy and can’t be tamed.

9. Diamond in the Rough

You want a Lamborghini. Sip martinis. Look hot in a bikini. Yeah…unfortunately you’re not Britney Spears. Sorry ’bout that. If you’ve got more than one rhinestone per nail, you best drive yourself back to XPress Nails and cozy up with a bottle of acetone.  Watch out! If you don’t, your coworker will go blind today – probably because your nails are brighter than Rhianna’s “Diamonds”.

10. Metallic

You’ve never seen a diamond in the flesh, and you have no idea what it means to cut your teeth on wedding rings in the movie. But – oh – you know you want to. Started at the bottom now we (still) here. That bad-a attitude will take you places, so listen to Journey and don’t stop believing. Like Gwen Stefani, you too will be a rich girl. Soon.

For more poorly-based predictions, check out the follow underwear horoscope by Jenna Marbles.

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How to Tie Dye Cake

Two weeks ago, for my boyfriend’s birthday, I finally decided try my hand at a tie dye cake recipe  from my “Culinary Couture” Pinterest board. Honestly, I half-expected my cake to look like a poorly-executed Rainbow Brite assassination. Instead, I was pleasantly surprised. Turns out, baking a tie dye cake is, well, a piece of cake.

What you’ll need:

6 different colors of food dye

1 box of white cake mix

2-3 eggs

Water

9″ round cake pan

Direction:

1. Mix the boxed cake mix as you normally would, following the directions on the back of the box.

2. Separate the batter equally into six small bowls.

3. Use the dye to color each of the six bowls with a different color.

4. After spraying the pan with non-stick spray, pour the first color into the middle of the pan. Do not spread out.

5. Pour the second color directly on top of the first, and lightly shake the pan to help the batter distribute evenly across the middle.

6. Repeat step 5 until all of the colors have been used and the batter fills the entire bottom of the pan.

7. Bake according to the directions on the box. Don’t worry if it cracks! That’s what icing is for.

8. Eat all of the leftover batter while the cake bakes.

9. Add the icing and sprinkles.

10. Bam! You’re now the proud creator of a brilliantly-colored culinary masterpiece.

Tips:

1. The colors will darken as they cook, so use minimal dye with the batter.

2. The color will create a marbled effect, so the order of the colors is not particularly important in pouring.

3. If you want to create a layered cake, double the ingredients and cook two 9″ pans simultaneously. Use icing between the layers to hold them together.

4. Don’t worry if your cake cracks! That’s what icing is for.

5. If you’re still feeling lost, check out this great tutorial by Duff.