If You Give a Disney Princess a Cell Phone…

If you give a Disney princess a cell phone, she’s going to buy a cute cover. ASAP. I’m thinking precious his and hers matching cases. Adorable, right?

Now, if you give a princess a cell phone and she buys a cute cover, she’ll start texting all of her friends (well, those with opposable thumbs at least). Say goodbye to royal balls, saving China, growing legs and taming beasts – it’s text time. BRB.

If you give a princess a cell phone, she’ll buy a cute cover , start texting all her friends and jump on the Facebook bandwagon. Eventually she’s going to grow tired of texting the same old royals all the time, hearing the same old tales as old as time. She’s ready to branch out, make some new friends! Hello Facebook app…

And Twitter…

And Instagram.

If you give a princess a cell phone, she’ll buy a cute cover, start texting all her friends, get hooked on social media and stumble upon her own Internet meme. Eventually, when there’s nothing to refresh on her Twitter feed, she’ll get sucked into the vortex known as Reddit and Imgur. She’ll spend all day LMFAOing at Disney princess hipster memes because who doesn’t enjoy their own meme?

That definitely includes the Disney Princess Musical, btw.

If you give a princess a cell phone, she’ll buy a cute cover, start texting all her friends, get hooked on social media, spend all day laughing at memes and take a few selfies. C’mon. Who doesn’t love a good selfie or two? Look out, Selfie Olympics! There’s a new queen in town, and she’s already got the gold.

If you give a princess a cell phone, she’ll buy a cute cover, start texting all her friends, get hooked on social media, spend all day laughing at memes, take a few selfies and inevitably tick off a few friends. I’m talking real drama, people. Like, Housewives of Beverly Hills drama.

If you give a princess a cell phone, she’ll buy a cute cover, start texting all her friends, get hooked on social media, spend all day laughing at memes, take a few selfies, tick off a few friends and start a full-fledged war. Of course, she’s still a princess, so this is a really great opportunity to show off her bad-a kung fu wardrobes. Oh, and her fighting skills too (said only Mulan).

If you give a princess a cell phone, she’ll buy a cute cover, start texting all her friends, get hooked on social media, spend all day laughing at memes, take a few selfies, tick off a few friend, start a full-fledged war and die. All of them, dead. A troubling thought, I know. It’s okay, though! As princesses, they’re still fabulous post-mortem. This is a great opportunity to start  a punk rock band.

If you give a princess a cell phone, she’ll buy a cute cover, start texting all her friends, get hooked on social media, spend all day laughing at memes, take a few selfies, tick off a few friend, start a full-fledged war, die and start a punk rock band. Wait. Can you imagine how terrible a Disney princess punk rock band would sound? Seriously, just no. The world has enough troubles already, so do us all a favor, won’t you?

Don’t give a Disney princess a cellphone.

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12 New Year’s Resolutions from Disney Princesses

1. Make More Wishes

Whether it’s upon a dream, a well or a star, never stop thinking about your someday. Who knows? It might just come true.

2. Buy the Shoes

Who said a simple pair of shoes can’t change your entire life? Imagine how disappointed Cinderella would have felt had she settled for plastic. Exactly.

3. Get More Sleep

Okay, maybe 100 years is a little excessive. But couldn’t we all use a little more beauty sleep? Plus, you  might just wake up to a handsome prince. Don’t worry, you’ve met before – once upon a dream, of course.

4. Speak Up

Oh, so you didn’t have your voice ripped from your throat by a morbidly obese sea witch? Then don’t be such a guppy! If you don’t want be a poor unfortunate soul, then say what needs to be said.

5. Put Your Nose in a Book

There’s nothing like getting lost in a good book, amiright? Far off places, daring sword fights, magic spells, a prince in disguise! Your next adventure in the great wide somewhere awaits.

6. Discover a Whole New World

Who couldn’t go for a new fantastic point of view? Sometimes all you need is a new perspective to find that diamond in the rough.

7. Paint with All the Colors of the Wind

I really have no idea what this means, but I know I want to do it.

8. Be True to Your Heart

If that means chopping off your hair, dishonoring your family and rushing to join the army, then you just do it. Remember, the flower that blooms in adversity is the most beautiful of all. Now, cue cheesy 90s theme song.

9. Take the Plunge

You thought I was going to say work harder, didn’t you? Sometimes in life you just gotta’ take the risks, especially if that risk is a hottie named Naveen. Go big or go home, right?

10. Break a Few Rules

Rules were made to be broken, right? If you’re ready for your life to begin, then you gotta take a few chances. It could just be your best day ever!

11. Keep Your Eye on the Target

Remember all those hopes and dreams and goals? Go get them. Today is the day to change your fate, all you need is a little aim, a rockin’ bow and a hearty dose of bravery.

12. Let It Go

The most beautiful thing about a new year is the opportunity to start over. So for the first time in forever, let it go – leave your worries, fears and failures in the past.

Why My Cat is Basically Rapunzel

1. He has the golden locks of a god.

Take a minute and lose yourself inside those sweet, thick locks of angel baby fur. Go ahead, I’ll wait. It’s actually rumored that his marvelous mane hails straight from the head of the mighty Zeus himself. Like Rapunzel, those golden curls are his crowning glory. Oh, and in case you were wondering, he’s a natural blonde.

2. He is the long lost heir to a long line of royalty.

Okay, I made this one up. But doesn’t he just look so stately? More regal than Julie Andrews, I’d say.

3. He’s not allowed outside.

Apparently there are indoor and outdoor cats, and the two cannot be mixed. I think it has to do with vaccines or something, but I’m no cat whisperer. Every morning, as I wiggle myself out of thinly cracked door into the glorious sunlight, Oliver is forced to stare in torturous wonder from his sofa-top perch at the world beyond. Basically, I’m his evil Mother Gothel. Hooray.

4. Those impossibly large, heart-warming eyes.

Okay. Rapunzel’s are green while Oliver’s are blue, but would you look at those eyes?! It probably takes like 20 calories just to blink. There will be none of those witchy, devil-diamond cat eyes in this house. No, sir. In fact, if you stare into his pupils, you can spot little baby unicorns, prancing on rainbows eating clouds of cotton candy. Those magical eyes could even take down even the toughtest ogre.

Without boots.

5. He can charm even the toughest heart.

Really, the video says it best.