9 Signs You’re in a Long-Term Relationship, As Told by Tina Fey

1. Sweatpants Are Considered Date Clothes…

Goodbye, sundress. Hello, Snuggie!

2. …Because Netflix IS a Date

Given that the television is actually the third member of your relationship trifecta, it only makes sense.

3. You cut the crap.

Oh, you want to drive cross-country in a remodeled Volkswagen to observe the real America? No. We’re not doing that. Why are you so weird?

4. Farting.

All. The. Time.

5. You deal with each other’s weirdness.

Enough said.

6. Illness is no longer a good excuse not to hang out.

It’s not true love if you don’t French kiss strep.

7. You’ve basically forgotten how to be single.

I could totally snag another lover. I have all the flirts.

8. You order for each other when you’re out to eat.

Except sometimes bae asks what you want to eat and you say “I don’t care” and then he orders the WRONG THING.

9. Despite everything, you’re happier than you’ve ever been.

Suddenly unshaven legs and Funyun-breath look like happily ever after.

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About Prince Charming…He Isn’t Coming

Over the past 22 years, Disney has managed to infiltrate every aspect of my life – how I decorate my home, shape my pancakes and sometimes even style my hair. But above all, my love for Disney princess films seems to always come knocking in one special place. My love life. Somehow, whenever boy-talk rolls around with the ladies, I get a lot of questions like: Do you have insanely high standards? Are you waiting for Prince Charming? Do you want to be swept off your feet? I kid you not. People have legitimately asked me if I have a case of Prince Charming Syndrome, which I’m pretty sure is made up anyway.

Every time one of these ridiculous questions comes my way, I can’t help but question how well people actually know their Disney films. Like, have you actually seen a princess film in the past decade? If so, you would know that every prince charming is, well, not charming at all – packed with character flaws that pretty much jeopardize the entire romance every waking second of the movie. Just to prove a point, I’ve named every Disney prince from the franchise along with his totally undateable trait(s).

Charming #1: Obviously okay with kissing a  woman in comatose.

Charming #2: Apparently blind. Like could he not tell it was Cinderella just by looking at her face? Maybe it’s from all those sunset rides…

Phillip: Total idiot.

Eric: Also apparently blind. Cannot identify Ariel without her voice.

Beast: Subject to fits of unwarranted rage. Maybe verbally abusive.

Aladdin: Liar, thief, liar, beggar, liar… did I say liar?

John Smith: Not good with dads.

Captain Shang: Risks China to avoid taking advice from a girl.

Naveen: Lusty, greedy, selfish, irresponsible, childish, all around worst prince award.

Flynn Rider: Thief. And I don’t mean the starving justifiable kind.

Kristoff: That thing with the reindeer? Maaaaaaajor baggage.

You see? If Disney princes were nonfictional men at your in your dorm or at the office, you probably wouldn’t give them a second look. Aladdin would be “that weird compulsive liar in my Arabic studies class.” Shang would be “that sexist douche bag one cubicle over.” Don’t get even get me started on Flynn. So if Prince Charming is really so uncharming, why do women keep passing up perfectly good dates waiting on him? Why would anyone want to be swept off their feet at all if Charming the Blind is just going to drop them on their face? Is it hopeless? ARE YOU DOOMED TO THE HAIRY FATE OF A SPINSTER CAT LADY?

It seems like a lot of women – Disney fanatics, especially – pride themselves on unattainable relationship goals and the eternal pursuit of a flawless man. Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t shoot high, but I am saying that many a prince began as a frog. It’s so acceptable for women to compare their significant others to Disney princes, but what if the situation were reversed? Do you have the virtue of Snow White? Jasmine’s (probably dangerous) waistline? What about the poise of Aurora or Rapunzel’s wicked domestic skill set? I certainly don’t, nor do I exactly want to. Because those things aren’t love.

Even though no Disney relationship is smooth from start to finish, true love does exist. But contrary to popular belief, it isn’t seamless. I mean, did you see those flaws?! Take another read. I’ll wait. Our beloved heroines must have a lot of grit to put up with those shenanigan for a full 120-minute movie – let alone for life! Turns out, finding Prince Charming isn’t about high standards, impossible expectations or the perfect smoulder. It’s not even about love at first sight! Shocking, right? (Don’t tell Snow). Love is about finding someone who completes your story – no matter the time, no matter the cost. So how do you find that one special person, you ask? Well, it starts with one very easy step.

Give him a chance.

10 Signs That She Loves You

Okay. So you’ve been seeing this girl for a while, and you think things are going pretty great. Could it be? Does this majestic creature called woman actually care for you? Or is it all in your head? Despite your best efforts, reading her mind is like understanding Sofia Vergara. Hopeless. So, how do you know? By checking for any one of these ten tell-tale signs:

She loves you if…

1. She shaved her legs.

Those battlescars running up her sikly smooth legs are for you and you alone. They’re bloody nicks of love. No woman spends a mind-numbing ten minutes running some scratchy, tetanus-infused razor up and down her legs for her own sake. Trust me.

2. She ironed her clothes.

Aside from your grandma, no woman uses an iron these days. Those ultra-crisp pleats snap “love” every time they swish in the soft summer breeze on that moonlit walk you’re taking.

3. She laughs at your bad jokes.

A woman in love will always offer up a courtesy laugh. Don’t believe me? Try it for yourself. Pick any line from this bad jokes site, and give it a go. If she humors you with a full-on courtesy laugh, you’ve landed the gig.

4. She eats your cooking.

While this rule may not apply to the culinary-inclined, it holds true for the 97.3% of men who consider boxed macaroni gourmet.

5. She cooks for you.

They say the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, and she knows it. Don’t be fooled by her, “Oh, I just enjoy cooking” line. She knows what she’s doing. Oh, she knows.

6. She sits through Die Hard.

Die Hard, Fast and Furious, the old Bond films…basically if the cover features some ruffian carrying a gun while zipping away in his flashy car, she’s only watching it for you.

7. She brings you to a wedding.

Weddings are like the county fair of the social world: it’s a great place to bring your prized stud, parade them around, and go for the gold. A gold engagement band, that is.

8. She buys you just-because gifts.

There’s a special gene encoded on her second X-chromosome that prompts random gift-giving for those she loves. “Just because” means “just because I love you.”

9. She hangs out with the guys.

As much as she probably loves your friends, she loves her more. If she voluntarily sacrifices a Saturday night to hang with the boys, it just got real.

10. She really, really likes you.

When a woman says she really, really likes you, that’s her working up the nerves to throw the L-card on the table. As long as this statement isn’t followed by “but…,” you’re in the clear.

So, what’s your go-to “I love you” sign? Drop a line in the comments below and be sure to follow my blog for regular updates on this growing list!