We all know movie titles can be deceiving. Just look at Twilight. Does Bella meet Edward at twilight? Do they allude the evil Victoria at twilight? Does anything happen at twilight? No. So I got to thinking: wouldn’t it be easier if movie titles just laid it all out there? Just like Jenna Marbles made up better names for animals, I took the liberty of renaming 18 of your favorite movies. You’re welcome, and enjoy.
1. The Chronicles of Shovel Face and Vanilla
2. Ignorance is Bliss
3. RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE
4.. False Expectations
5. Eagles: A Story of a Deus Ex Machina
6. Animal Hoarders
7. How to Lose a Girl in 500 Days
8. Anne Hathaway’s Boobs
9. The Boring Version of Lion King
10. Poor Decisions: The Musical
11. Letting Go
12. Grails Gone Wild
13. Size Matters
14. Slutty Cinderella
15. Undercover Lovers: A Romance Pretending to be About War
16. The How-To Spinster Guide
17. You’re a Deplorable, Soul-Crushing Monster
Oh, you’re feeling brutally honest today too? Then by all means, add your best renamed flicks to the list using the comments below. Who knows? You may be featured in the still-hypothetical Better Names for Movies Part II…
In a galaxy not so far far away, some big decisions were made. Unless you hipsterly reject all forms of social media (which means you really wouldn’t be reading this blog anyways) you’ve probably heard how the Wonderful World of Disney married LucasFilms for a $4 billion dowry. It’s pretty much the biggest thing in the entertainment industry since Kim Kardashian’s overpriced celebrity party…I mean, wedding. Now, this type of news can bring out the best and worst in the fans: it all depends where your loyalties lie. When I heard this exhilarating stroke of good fortune, I was all:
However, my friends were like:
So before you extinguish that last candle of hope you held for the film industry, take a minute to fully consider the glorious implications at hand. Just picture any historical imperial takeover: all major successes, right? Everyone wins. Wait, you mean most super power actually exploit the countries they colonize? Maybe that’s what I get for bring coloring books to history… Thankfully, unlike other web-skeptics, I don’t picture this voyage as an imperialist quest: but rather, a dual monarchy, if you will. King Walt and King George will rule together in perfect, harmonious bliss. Let the people sing!
Also, this means more Star Wars films. Not even the noblest of Star Wars fanatics can pretend they wouldn’t kill to see an episode VII. There’s so much left uncovered! I, for one, would personally like to follow the captivating Hans/Leia romance, but that’s probably just the estrogen typing. Disney has already promised Episodes VII, VIII, and IX, and has predicted an additional film each two to three years prior. We now have the opportunity to attend Star Wars premieres with our children, or our children’s children! How cool is that in a scary, freak-you-out-panic-you’re-getting-old-oh-gosh-i-need-a-paper-bag kind of way? Whew, is it hot in here? I think it’s time to move along.
Let’s talk about Leia. What Disney-princess-obsessing-freak wouldn’t love to see her integrated into the long line of Disney royalty? I can already feel the ecstasy coursing prematurely through my veins. At long last I finally have a reason to dress up as Leia for Halloween (after all, it’s common knowledge I go as Disney character 4 out of every 5 Halloweens. Cite: Childhood Photos). So, will Leia become an official Disney princess? And if so, will she be the 4th (based on the Star Wars release date) or the 11th? Personally, I predict she will not become part of the official Disney Princess line as she is not animated and was created outside of the Disney sphere. Only time will tell.