18 Better Names for Movies

We all know movie titles can be deceiving. Just look at Twilight. Does Bella meet Edward at twilight? Do they allude the evil Victoria at twilight? Does anything happen at twilight? No. So I got to thinking: wouldn’t it be easier if movie titles just laid it all out there? Just like Jenna Marbles made up better names for animals, I took the liberty of renaming 18 of your favorite movies. You’re welcome, and enjoy.

1. The Chronicles of Shovel Face and Vanilla

2. Ignorance is Bliss

3. RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE

4..  False Expectations

5. Eagles: A Story of a Deus Ex Machina

6. Animal Hoarders

7. How to Lose a Girl in 500 Days

8. Anne Hathaway’s Boobs

9. The Boring Version of Lion King

10. Poor Decisions: The Musical

11.  Letting Go

12. Grails Gone Wild

13. Size Matters

14. Slutty Cinderella

15. Undercover Lovers: A Romance Pretending to be About War

16. The How-To Spinster Guide

17. You’re a Deplorable, Soul-Crushing Monster

18. Oklahoma!

Oh, you’re feeling brutally honest today too? Then by all means, add your best renamed flicks to the list using the comments below. Who knows? You may be featured in the still-hypothetical Better Names for Movies Part II…

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Once upon a time in (North/South) Carolina, there was a (misunderstood/quiet/angsty) man named (generic name) who enjoyed his independant, macho life by the sea. His only company was his (overly intelligent dog/kids/severely autistic father). One day, an unbelievably beautiful and (fiery/gentle/sporadic/wealthy) woman moved into town. She caught (generic name)‘s eye, and he began to pursue her despite the advice of the overly friendly, strangely tight-knit town. As expected, she turns him down. A lot. Not taking a hint, however, (generic name) pursues her further by giving her a (bike/collection of letters/rare book) that he most likely (made with his rough, calloused hands/wrote from his heart/bought just for her). Now that she feels indebted, she agrees to go (kayaking/canoeing/sailing) on a mystical (lake/swamp/river) that houses an unnatural number of white birds. Suddenly, a downpour begins out of the otherwise perfectly blue sky from earlier. The two run for shelter, but not before engaging in a steamy (intense stare/kiss/plate of whoopie). Afterwards, she realizes she acted impulsively, being swooned by the white birds, and is filled with regret. She leaves (generic name) just when crisis strikes in the form of (an abuse ex-lover/alzheimers/fire/cancer/a raging storm at sea/amnesia). Despite the odds, they survive the incident together, and realize how deep their feelings for one another run. They tell everyone of their newfound love just in time for her to die of (cancer/alzheimers/a miscarriage/a freak accident). The end.

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