How to be a Woman

Throughout the years I’ve collected countless morsels of sweet insight into the shrouded mystery that is “being a woman”. Without the inspirational wisdom from my grandmother, mother, friends, and idols like Tina Fey I simply wouldn’t be the woman I am today. Come closer, friends, for today I’m going to share with the most prized gems from my collection of wisdom, the 6 secrets of thriving in a woman’s world.

Tan fat is prettier than pale fat. –Mom

Shallow? Maybe. True? You bet. If you’re not going to invest time in going to the gym, then you better be putting in time in bed. The tanning bed, that is.

white fat

A sugar-free life is no life at all. –Grandma

According to Grandma, it’s perfectly okay to eat the non-sugar-free pie at Pioneer Pies despite an upcoming, rather important blood test. The woman’s got priorities.

sugary pie

It’s okay to go out with a guy even if you’re not that into him. It’s like boy coupons. – Danielle Vinnedge

Let’s be honest. Whether we want to admit it or not, we’re all guilty. You may use the “maybe he’ll grow on me” or “it’s just casual” justification, but when it comes down to it he’s no more than a coupon in a Lacoste polo.

coupon man

In a public restroom, always hold your feet up so no one knows you’re in the stall. – Alyssa Baker

According to Alyssa Baker, there’s actually an entire (mentally unpublished) book on bathroom etiquette, and this little tidbit would be the back cover.

stall feet

It’s okay to spend all of your money on foundation if it looks good. – Mom

Me: I probably could have fed Ethiopia for what that makeup costs. I can’t keep it.

Mom: Do you live in Ethiopia?

Me: No.

Mom: Does it look good?

Me: Yes.

Mom: So, what’s the problem here?

 foundation

True love is finding someone who loves you and your crotch biscuits. – Tina Fey

Crotch biscuit: the flabby triangles of fat between your thighs.

crotch biscuit

Want to help others through this labyrinth of feminine mystique? Share your own bits of womanly wisdom below!