5 Reasons Why I Would Make an Awesome Princess

It’s a well-known fact that The Princess Diaries is one of my favorite movies, but every time I watch it I can’t help but think, in a totally egocentric Disney-bred way, what an awesome princess I would be. I mean, Mia came to the job interview totally unprepared: clanking spoons around, shlumping, and with a nauseating fear of public speaking. Sure, sure, it’s all part of her geekish charm, but imagine what a stellar princess (and lame movie) we would have should she have been princess-ready to begin with. That’s why, since the moment I first Mia Thermopolis in the summer of 2001, I have been preparing for that ever-fateful meeting with my estranged, royal grandmother that I didn’t know I had. I’m ready for princess-ship, friends, and today I’m going to tell you why with a well-organized, visually-pleasing list.

1. I have a working knowledge of etiquette.

Scarf

Not don’t-chew-with-your-mouth-open etiquette but the how-dare-you-confuse-the-dinner-and-dessert-forks etiquette. Growing up, my grandmother was nothing shy of a dinner-table Nazi and would rather eat alone than watch her family spread butter directly onto their roll. In fact, she literally used the same scarf-chair trick as Julie Andrews on my aunt to teach her not to lean over her plate. Though it was a pain growing up, I will doubtless be most appreciative at my first royal ball.

2. I’m not a shlumper.

We all know a shlumper, and I think we can agree that the trademark Quasimodo-inspired bobble-head-fused caveman walk does not, in fact, scream princess.

3. I can waltz and spin without hurting anyone.

Sure, it may be the only dance I can perform aside from the funky chicken and Cha Cha Slide, but should the need to waltz ever arise in the near future (say, during princess lessons,) I’m ready.

4. I have solid friends with nonrhyming names.

Lana

I have zero close friend’s with rhyming names, and I think we all know that’s no coincidence. If there’s one lesson to be learned from Mia’s beach-party escapade, it’s this: never trust overly-attractive, musically-talented friends with rhyming names. Ever. They will expose you (literally). Thanks for the life lesson, Lana, Montana, Hannah, Banana, Anna, Bobanna…

5. I actually want to be a princess.

Princess

You see, when Mia says, “Shut up!” she really means, “No no no no no no no no.” If Julie Andrews just told me of my surprise status of royalty, I would most likely reply with “Shut up!” but really mean “OH, JOYOUS DAY, YOU HAVE COME FOR ME AT LAST!” See the difference?

So there you have it, why I believe I would make an awesome princess. Now, the next time you’re in a meeting with the supreme ruler of an heirless country, feel free to drop my name on the table. I’d be happy to shoot them the link to this post as a type of informal resume. Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to thank you in my coronation speech.

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