It’s a well-known fact that The Princess Diaries is one of my favorite movies, but every time I watch it I can’t help but think, in a totally egocentric Disney-bred way, what an awesome princess I would be. I mean, Mia came to the job interview totally unprepared: clanking spoons around, shlumping, and with a nauseating fear of public speaking. Sure, sure, it’s all part of her geekish charm, but imagine what a stellar princess (and lame movie) we would have should she have been princess-ready to begin with. That’s why, since the moment I first Mia Thermopolis in the summer of 2001, I have been preparing for that ever-fateful meeting with my estranged, royal grandmother that I didn’t know I had. I’m ready for princess-ship, friends, and today I’m going to tell you why with a well-organized, visually-pleasing list.
1. I have a working knowledge of etiquette.
Not don’t-chew-with-your-mouth-open etiquette but the how-dare-you-confuse-the-dinner-and-dessert-forks etiquette. Growing up, my grandmother was nothing shy of a dinner-table Nazi and would rather eat alone than watch her family spread butter directly onto their roll. In fact, she literally used the same scarf-chair trick as Julie Andrews on my aunt to teach her not to lean over her plate. Though it was a pain growing up, I will doubtless be most appreciative at my first royal ball.
2. I’m not a shlumper.
We all know a shlumper, and I think we can agree that the trademark Quasimodo-inspired bobble-head-fused caveman walk does not, in fact, scream princess.
3. I can waltz and spin without hurting anyone.
Sure, it may be the only dance I can perform aside from the funky chicken and Cha Cha Slide, but should the need to waltz ever arise in the near future (say, during princess lessons,) I’m ready.
4. I have solid friends with nonrhyming names.
I have zero close friend’s with rhyming names, and I think we all know that’s no coincidence. If there’s one lesson to be learned from Mia’s beach-party escapade, it’s this: never trust overly-attractive, musically-talented friends with rhyming names. Ever. They will expose you (literally). Thanks for the life lesson, Lana, Montana, Hannah, Banana, Anna, Bobanna…
5. I actually want to be a princess.
You see, when Mia says, “Shut up!” she really means, “No no no no no no no no.” If Julie Andrews just told me of my surprise status of royalty, I would most likely reply with “Shut up!” but really mean “OH, JOYOUS DAY, YOU HAVE COME FOR ME AT LAST!” See the difference?
So there you have it, why I believe I would make an awesome princess. Now, the next time you’re in a meeting with the supreme ruler of an heirless country, feel free to drop my name on the table. I’d be happy to shoot them the link to this post as a type of informal resume. Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to thank you in my coronation speech.