15 Times Nigel Thornberry Totally Got Your Life

1. Every time you walk into a Barnes and Noble.

2. The first time you were ALL about that bass.

3. HOLD UP. Did someone say Pumpkin Spice Latte?

4. You + Ulta + Marc Jacobs Perfume =

5. Whaaaaaat?! Your crush is going to that party? You totally had NO idea. #WokeUpLikeThis

6. Grandma has used “Surprise Kiss” attack. WHOA! It’s SUPER effective. Critical hit!

7. Pop Culture 101: This is a milkshake. It brings all the boys to the yard.

8. Remember that moment when you suddenly realized that your ex looks like Janet Reno?

9. Don’t lie. We all know an ugly baby. #RealTalk #SoPrecious

10. Two words. Ned Stark.

11. Why yes, I DID get a haircut. Thank you for noticing!

12. Oh, this? It’s just my new Bath and Body Works shower gel. You couldn’t afford it.

13. C’mon. We’ve all had at least one bad experience with Google.

14. That awkward moment when you pretend to be Ariel in your dog’s outdoor kiddie pool.

15. Remember when you read that super weird but totally hilarious Nigel Thornberry blog post?

Working Full Time, As Told by Disney

You’re fresh out of college, on the cusp of life’s great harvest, teeming with ambition. As successful grown-ups do, you secure a full-time job.

Oh, the joys that await! Personal fulfillment, professional connections—perhaps even a promotion. But sometimes working full time is not all that we expect it to be…

First, you have to wake up before the sky. Fives days a week. On the heels of afternoon classes and optional morning lectures, yeah, it’s gonna’ hurt. Maybe 8 a.m. classes weren’t such a bad idea…

But it’s okay! It’s an opportunity to make use of that state-of-the-art Keurig system—the one you can’t even afford in your dreams after student loans. Each refill is a piping hot dose of get-it-together-you-infantile-weakling. 

So, remember that crazy micromanaging professor who lost her marbles at the sight of a water bottle in her precious 1960s wasteland of a classroom? Yeah, she didn’t make it in the corporate world—surprise! Your dedication to hydration is longer under siege. 

By now, you’ve probably got a closet filled with oversized Kappa T-shirts and a rainbow road of Ugg boots. Get ready to wear your “interview outfit” every single day, because—surprise!—you’ve been dressing like a bum. 

And because you cannot ween yourself from the mocha teet of Starbucks, you are poor. Like Bon Bon self-manicure poor. Kiss Antonio Melani goodbye, because those boots were made for walking—right up to the Dillard’s return desk.

Even at the most amazing job, 40 hours per week can occasionally feel overwhelming. Sure, there’s weekends. But Monday will be back, and she is a brutal, brutal mistress. Proceed with caution, young dancing queens of the world.

Regardless of the pros and cons, all is righted on one day. For on this day—oh, glorious day!—a check is received. Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou, pay day, surely art more lovely because NOW I’M FILTHY RICH, SUCKERS!

Naturally, there’s only one thing left to do.

Until you’re poor again.

It’s a vicious cycle, really. Yes the legend of the rent may be way hardcore, but the heroic tale of the entry-level worker bee is not complete. The dawn comes early and the coffee pot often runneth dry, but nothing beats financial independence. 

And that, dear readers, makes everything worthwhile.

 

Disney: Expectation versus Reality

Over the past twenty-some years, I’ve learned a lot about life from Disney. I mean, A LOT. Always wish upon a star, be a diamond in the rough, never tangle with a sea witch. But as you know, the movies aren’t always all they’re cracked up to be. Here are a just few Disney expectations that didn’t quite pass the test of reality.

1. Diving

Swim class? What the heck, Mom? I don’t need swimming and diving lessons in the fifth grade. Please. I learned everything I need to know about free-falling poise from Pocahontas.

Expectation

Reality

2. Sewing

Ugh. I have NOTHING to wear. You know what? I’m going to start making all of my own clothes. That’s right – all of them. I’ve seen Cinderella like a hundred times. Seriously, how hard could it be?

Expectation

Reality

3. Swimming

Ahhh-ahhh-ahhh, ahhh-ahhh-ahhh! Oh, hello there! Don’t mind me. I’m just gracefully flipping underwater in my swirly-twirly way whilst singing to the invisible marine life in my 3-foot swimming pool.

Expectation

Reality

4. Pirates

I’d walk your plank, Jack Sparrow.

Expectation

Reality

5. Wild Animals

Of course I want a pet raccoon. They have a mild temperament, wicked braiding skills and unparalleled affection – like snuggley feral kittens.

Expectation

Reality

6. Stranger Danger

Dance with you entirely alone in a dark secluded alleyway? I thought you’d never ask!

Expectation

Reality

7. Flying

Faith ✓ – Trust ✓ – Pixie Dust ✓

Houston, we’re ready for takeoff.

Expectation

Reality

So, what false expectations has Disney given you?

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7 Questions College Seniors are Tired of Hearing

1. What do you plan to do after graduation?

I’m sorry, could you repeat the question?

2. Now, what are you majoring in again?

No, Grandma, I’m majoring in public relations. No, that’s not like DHS. No, it’s also not wedding planning. Or politics. Yes, of course it’s a real major! You know what, just tell everybody I Tweet for a living. I can live with that.

3. What big city are you heading to?

What a minute. What’s wrong with right here? Why am I moving? Do I have to move? Is it mandatory? Whose going to help me pack? How am I going to afford this move? What are this? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

4. Are you and so-and-so getting married?

If so-and-so and I do decide to get married, can’t you just find out from Facebook like all of our other marginal acquaintances? Come on, bud. Know your place.

5. What exactly do you want to do with that degree?

Smoke it. Seriously, what do you think I’m going to do with it? Try my hardest to find a job, like all the other bajillion recent graduates living at home with Mom and Dad.

6. Do you have a back-up plan?

Wait. Should I be offended by that?

7. Are you ready to be done?

 Okay. This one never actually gets old because YES I AM SO READY TO BE DONE.

12 New Year’s Resolutions from Disney Princesses

1. Make More Wishes

Whether it’s upon a dream, a well or a star, never stop thinking about your someday. Who knows? It might just come true.

2. Buy the Shoes

Who said a simple pair of shoes can’t change your entire life? Imagine how disappointed Cinderella would have felt had she settled for plastic. Exactly.

3. Get More Sleep

Okay, maybe 100 years is a little excessive. But couldn’t we all use a little more beauty sleep? Plus, you  might just wake up to a handsome prince. Don’t worry, you’ve met before – once upon a dream, of course.

4. Speak Up

Oh, so you didn’t have your voice ripped from your throat by a morbidly obese sea witch? Then don’t be such a guppy! If you don’t want be a poor unfortunate soul, then say what needs to be said.

5. Put Your Nose in a Book

There’s nothing like getting lost in a good book, amiright? Far off places, daring sword fights, magic spells, a prince in disguise! Your next adventure in the great wide somewhere awaits.

6. Discover a Whole New World

Who couldn’t go for a new fantastic point of view? Sometimes all you need is a new perspective to find that diamond in the rough.

7. Paint with All the Colors of the Wind

I really have no idea what this means, but I know I want to do it.

8. Be True to Your Heart

If that means chopping off your hair, dishonoring your family and rushing to join the army, then you just do it. Remember, the flower that blooms in adversity is the most beautiful of all. Now, cue cheesy 90s theme song.

9. Take the Plunge

You thought I was going to say work harder, didn’t you? Sometimes in life you just gotta’ take the risks, especially if that risk is a hottie named Naveen. Go big or go home, right?

10. Break a Few Rules

Rules were made to be broken, right? If you’re ready for your life to begin, then you gotta take a few chances. It could just be your best day ever!

11. Keep Your Eye on the Target

Remember all those hopes and dreams and goals? Go get them. Today is the day to change your fate, all you need is a little aim, a rockin’ bow and a hearty dose of bravery.

12. Let It Go

The most beautiful thing about a new year is the opportunity to start over. So for the first time in forever, let it go – leave your worries, fears and failures in the past.

8 Things You Didn’t Know About The Little Mermaid

1. Ariel’s underwater motions are based on space travel.

To capture realistic gravity-free motion in underwater scenes, Disney animators based their sketches off of American astronaut Sally Ride’s motions in space.

2. Before there was Sebastian, there was Clarence.

The character Sebastian began as an English butler named Clarence, but the character was revised after lyricist Howard Ashman suggested  a reggae feel for the score.

3. Ursala was drawn for the voice of Golden Girl‘s Bea Arthur.

The villain was drawn specifically for the voice of Bea Arthur, who eventually declined the part. Pat Caroll filled the role, although the character was left unaltered.

4. Ariel’s body was modeled after Alyssa Milano’s.

Animators looked to Alyssa Milano in Who’s the Boss? as a model of the youthful beauty they wanted Ariel to embody.

5. The artists hired live-action actors to illustrate character motions.

Live-actions models were a staple of classic Disney films like Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty but were less frequently used in later years. Disney hired Sherri Lynn Stoner from the Los Angeles Groundlings comedy improvisation group to exaggerate Ariel’s facial and body movements.

6. Over one million bubbles were drawn for the film.

Since The Little Mermaid was the last Disney film to use hand-painted cells, each new scene had to be created from scratch. Although stationary backgrounds were often reused, moving objects such as bubbles had to be redrawn with each new animation cell.

7. The soundtrack has been certified six-time platinum.

The Little Mermaid soundtrack sold over 6 million copies worldwide, an unprecedented feat at the time. The album also won two Oscars in 1990, one for Best Song from an Animated Feature Soundtrack (“Under the Sea”) and one for Best Album for Children.

8. The Little Mermaid pioneered the Disney Renaissance.

The Little Mermaid was the first of many highly successful films under new CEO Mike Eisner. The Disney Renaissance includes such blockbusters as The Lion King, Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, and Hercules.

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